I’m afraid. I've finally been able to profess this out loud. More afraid of a number of things than I ever thought I was in life. Like, I am afraid of things that breathe that aren’t human (of course I know that Bambi will not kill me, but why are deer so massive in size?) I’m afraid of walking on the yellow line at the subway station; standing so close always makes my heart pound and it makes me feel as if I will pee my pants. I am afraid of giving away my heart for fear that the hands that hold it may be too rough for its fragility. I am afraid of writing full-time for fear of struggling. I am afraid of frying chicken in an open pot on my stove for fear that grease will jump out of the pot and scourge my skin. (Well, not really to the last one, I just really don’t like that part of frying chicken) However, today is the first step I’ll take in openly admitting that most of my fears stem from me completely restraining and choking my own vulnerability.
I know, I know. I’m an artist. In order to produce great art, I have to be vulnerable…blah blah and all of the rest of the sayings that make complete sense, but are so hard to put into practice. My life and my art have not mirrored one another for so long and it wasn’t until I actually realized that this beautiful life of mine is in fact art, that I realized that speaking the truth and stating the facts were two very different concepts. So, first on my list of fears to conquer- stating truthfully and authentically how I feel when I feel it. The fact is: too much time often lapse in-between my initial thought of a person, my feelings (good or bad), what my instincts are telling me and any actions I take from that point forward. The truth is: operating like that never really leaves me in a good place. I’m a thinker, an analyzer and if I do not process my feelings in the moment it becomes weeks of internal torment and dialogue (kind of like the dialogue that we all have in the shower with ourselves when we are prepping for a conversation with another person. Hey! Judgment free zone- you do it too!). I need to have that dialogue out loud. I need to process my feeling internally and externally with the other party involved. It will drastically cut down on the time and energy that my brain is using and I will be in a happier place; a place that breeds solitude and negates all negative energy; a place that leads me along my own yellow brick road to contentment. Afterall, the goal isn’t simply happiness, which can be fleeting, but contentment. Right?
So, I’ve decided that I will stare Bambi in the eyes, take a glance down the tracks to see if the train is actually coming, tell him I like him, submit my work for publication and maybe fry a wing or two. None of this will be done in that order, BUT walking toward greatness only requires one foot in front of the other and is really only one step at a time.
*Photo Credit: Lee Miller